(Source: lamoda, via apaintedface)
So i just told someone that basically they were too attractive for me to talk to. i rejected them based solely on the fact that i knew my insecurities were far too large for me to interact with him on a romantic level. he was sweet. and interested in me based on what he saw on FB and that scares me. i look fricken nuts on FB and i think ive taken solace in the fact that by being a drag queen that noone will ever find me attractive. that i will be so completely strange and bizarre to people that they wouldn’t ever try to be that with me. I think i take comfort in my lonliness now. I think somewhere along the way the trust that every other human being out there has for one another has been completely annihilated for me.
i have friends that are in long term relationships and they go from one long thing to another long thing to another long thing till when their life seems like nothing more than a series of relationships. Where they dont really have an identity of their own but they are simply the product of all of their relationships. and while this seems like a complete and utter copout i personally cannot just disconnect like that. when im in it im 100% in it and that interaction stays with me forever. i have cataloged and committed the memory of every single person ive been intimate with so clearly in my mind i could tell u how we met and how the night went to where we ended up and all the reasons why i would never speak to them again. This is my life. this is who i am and why i am alone. because in my solitude i find solace in the fact that i can remain focused and without the risk of another heartbreak.
I’m not sure why it matters to me. A friend once made an observation about me. “I know how it means alot to you that everyone likes you.” and i think its been something ive battled with my entire life. The idea of being “Liked” of being wanted. but while it seems to be such a simple idea living your life for yourself and being happy by yourself is something that needs to happen. I’m older now and ive seen and learned alot about life so far in my journeys and i have to say that it’s alot harder than it seems especially coming from where ive been. i suppose there is mental hurdles you have to jump over when you age. when you go through certain stages in your life. needing some sense of validation from others is futile. and the judgements passed by those that are so inconsequential to your life projectory dont matter at all! I suppose that my core has been shaken due to changes in environment and situation. i just need to remain focused on me and my own trajectory because life and its craziness doesnt stop for anyone. you just keep moving forward. your reactions and even ur non reactions are reactions nonetheless and all you can do is keep going! even when your life is over your cells, your physical self keeps processing and will continue to do till the end of time, if that’s even possible….. im getting pretty heavy. I walk into this day with a positive outlook! i walk into this day feeling excited to see what happens. to see who i meet next! I feel ive made some great friends so far! and the events coming soon will surely not dissapoint because when you put it out there u surely make it happen! go forth gunzablazin and with conviction because even if u have none it surely wont be nearly as exciting……
In all the places ive seen and in all the ways i have i still have yet to feel this kind of thing. I think ive felt fleeting passings by of it. i think ive felt the kind of joy of knowing being loved back the way ive put it out there. i love when they say “You just need to put yourself out there” how far out there is there? is it a place; is it a there? havnt i gotten there yet? havn’t i been there a couple times before only just by myself. yes i think i have. maybe ive listened to too many love songs. too much adele. too much happy beyonce. but i can tell you that one heart has only so many miles to travel before it has gotten too tired. too weary of that same treacherous path that has caused so many scars on the bottom of those tired tired feet. Do i need to blindly fall for whatever happless emotionless prankster comes my way? shouldn’t i cover my own ass as well? shouldn’t i know a bad bet when i see one or simply not to throw one down at all? im ready, ive been for a little while now. but im not ready for the shit that comes with it maybe. couldnt it be somthing organic? couldn’t it be something fun? whats next is next and with every passing day my heart grows more and more closed off to the options available because i simply dont believe it to be there. For the love of god and everything; ANYTHING good in this world would someone anyone be brave enough to tell me they love me and mean it!? could anyone show the interest, the fight to win MY heart? to want me more than anything in this world? fight for all the great love that i can give because to be quite honest i would. i would eventually. just try, even if for a little while and not in a drunken stupor. fight for the briefest sober reality that you could be happy with me. on a sunny day, on a rainy day, in a place warm or cold fight for the time that would be shared in bed or on the street. fight for the possibility that a life could be shared because it would be grand. even in its bleakest most horrible moments it would be that. it would be grand. my love for you would be grand….
