26th
…… honestly this is it…….
So i just told someone that basically they were too attractive for me to talk to. i rejected them based solely on the fact that i knew my insecurities were far too large for me to interact with him on a romantic level. he was sweet. and interested in me based on what he saw on FB and that scares me. i look fricken nuts on FB and i think ive taken solace in the fact that by being a drag queen that noone will ever find me attractive. that i will be so completely strange and bizarre to people that they wouldn’t ever try to be that with me. I think i take comfort in my lonliness now. I think somewhere along the way the trust that every other human being out there has for one another has been completely annihilated for me.
i have friends that are in long term relationships and they go from one long thing to another long thing to another long thing till when their life seems like nothing more than a series of relationships. Where they dont really have an identity of their own but they are simply the product of all of their relationships. and while this seems like a complete and utter copout i personally cannot just disconnect like that. when im in it im 100% in it and that interaction stays with me forever. i have cataloged and committed the memory of every single person ive been intimate with so clearly in my mind i could tell u how we met and how the night went to where we ended up and all the reasons why i would never speak to them again. This is my life. this is who i am and why i am alone. because in my solitude i find solace in the fact that i can remain focused and without the risk of another heartbreak.
